Lemon Moms: A Guide to Understand and Survive Maternal Narcissism: Why you can’t please her, why she withholds love and affection, and why nothing you do is good enough. Why you can’t win. by Diane Metcalf

Have you ever suspected that your mother may have narcissistic traits (or symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD)? Does she say or do things that make no sense or confuse you? Would you describe her as “challenging?” Are there times you don’t know what “version” of her to expect? Maybe she has a habit of “twisting” your words to give them a different meaning? Does she project thoughts or feelings onto you and say it’s how youthink or feel? Does she expect behavior (or a level of understanding) from children that isn’t age-appropriate? Maybe expects constant emotional caretaking? Thinks of herself as a victim? Uses others empathy or vulnerability against them? Gets angry or passive-aggressive when feeling entitled or superior? Are you good at taking her emotional “temperature” and adjusting your behavior to keep her calm, or to feel safe yourself? Have you avoided her so you weren’t criticized or blamed for things you didn’t do? Are you drained after spending time with her? I can relate!

Narcissistic mothers do not love unconditionally. So as children, we learned to earn love by fulfilling her expectations and doing those things that pleased and appeased her. But it was usually not enough.

As children of mothers with narcissistic tendencies, it was difficult for us to get the nurturing and acceptance we needed for developing a healthy sense of identity, self-esteem, and self-worth. And now as adults, we likely treat ourselves accordingly; disliking, ignoring, or neglecting ourselves, taking unnecessary risks, being attracted to people who aren’t good for us, minimizing ourselves so others can feel good, staying in hurtful relationships, and putting ourselves last. We may be adults who have difficulty overcoming feelings of unlovableness, unworthiness, loneliness, and the “not good enough’s.” We may be perfectionists because that’s how we earn love, attention, and respect now. We may secretly fear being alone, so we form one-sided, unfulfilling relationships but still find it almost impossible to leave them.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If there are feelings of manipulation, power struggle, never being good enough, or unkindness in your relationship with your mother, this book can help. If you second-guess your memory, doubt your judgment or sanity, or continually seek your mother’s withheld love, affection, attention, or approval, this book can explain why.